Midnight storm
by WalkingCatastrophe
Summary: "If I ever write a book about my life, which probably I won't, I'm pretty sure I'll lie about this story" Thoughts of a suffering heart while our Assassin is risking his life. Overdose of sadness. One shot.


**A/N: This is my first story about this pairing, my first story in this site... and English is not my first language. So if you find any kind of mistake, please let me know. Now... enjoy!**

**...**

It's midnight.

It's midnight and you are God Knows Where, killing a target.

It's midnight, you are God Knows Where killing a target, and I am almost crying.

My mum used to say grown men don't cry, but tonight I am feeling like a small boy, afraid of darkness. _Afraid of death._

I am almost crying because you might be already dead.

Or being tortured, and all I can do is to sit here and think of it.

I am almost crying because this could be the last chance I had to see you smile.

I am almost crying because I feel pathetic.

I am almost crying because today I promised myself I would tell you everything.

Sometimes, I wonder if you think about me when you are in your missions. Who am I kidding; I wonder if you _ever _think about me.

I've tried everything.

I've tried to replace you with women. I've tried to replace you with men. I fucked everything that moved in this damn city, but still I can't keep you out of my mind. I hate you for that.

I hate you. I _have to _hate you. You killed my brother, and left me in this _goddamn bureau_, unable to do what I was trained for. You broke my dream of being a Master Assassin. I cannot fight anymore.

You are arrogant, egocentric, an asshole and _I fucking love you. _

_There's no point in pretending it isn't true._

You know, this is not the first time I've broken my promises.

In fact, this is the eleventh time I tried to tell you the way I feel.

The first five times, I ended smashing my face in the walls. I couldn't find the words, so I ended being mean. You left, and then I had to face all the things I could have said but didn't.

From the sixth to the tenth one, you were silent. You didn't talk to me. You just came, took the feather and left. You were gelid like ice.

You were hurt by the way I treated you. And I was hurt by the way you treated me.

But through them all, this was, by far, the worst one.

This time, I felt confident. I felt _brave._ I prepared the words like the actor would prepare his role. I knew what to said, prepared all the scenarios. _I was sure tonight I'd end kissing you_. I had all the odds in my favor.

And then, you left before I could tell you to stay. In the blink of an eye, you were not with me anymore.

And now, hours later, here I am.

The pathetic coward who couldn´t confess what he felt _since he was 17._

It starts to rain, and I force a melancholic smile at the thought that the World is crying, too.

Right now, I just want to go out and walk. Don't know or care where to go. Just feel the rain falling, and let it wash you out of my mind. I just want to escape from here, this is asphyxiating.

But I can't. My duty is to stay here, until you come back.

_If you ever come back, I mean._

A bolt and seconds later, I hear a thunder. In the streets, dogs bark.

I remember when we were both novices.

We were so oblivious. We were so innocent. Oh, you were so thick. My feelings were so obvious. My brother, our mates... I bet the whole Masyaf knew it. _Except you, of course_.

Now, you still don't know it. And maybe you will never do.

I have felt pain. Pain in battles. Enemies almost killed me a few times. I have felt the pain of seeing people I love suffer. But nothing can compare at the pain I feel now. And you are the only one that can make it stop. But you may be dead right now.

If you die, a part of me will die too.

I start to fall asleep. But I don't want to go to bed until you're here with me. This night, I will tell you everything, no matter what happens next.

But I know I will not last awake. So, for maybe the fifth time this week, I write a letter for you.

It's hard to put down in words the way I feel about you. I can't find the right words, what I feel is so intense and the words so hollow... but I do the best I can. I put my heart and soul in it, and when it's done, I put it on the desk so you can see it.

But instantly, I regret it. I hide my feelings between my maps, like I have been doing since I first fall in love with you. I have a huge collection of letters, poems... I bet I have more love confessions than maps.

I gather up the courage. I leave it on the desk. Tonight is the night I will finally open my heart.

Now it's up to you.

I turn off the lights.

Before I fall asleep, I can't help but think about you one more time.

If I ever write a book about my life, which probably I won't, I'm pretty sure I'll lie about this story.

I'll write that night I dreamt about you at my side, hugging me.

I'll write I woke up with you at my side, hugging me.

I'll write you kissed me before I could say a word.

But I'll never write I woke up alone, feeling cold and lonely.

I'll never write I found a bloodstained feather on my desk, and not a trace of your presence.

I'll never write I cried.

And if there's one thing I will never, ever write, is that the letter that contained my heart, _my soul, everything I had to offer_ was on the same place I had left it the night before.

_Closed._

**_Aaaaaaand that's it! Let me know what you think!_**


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